What hurts the most
by Belgian Waffle
Summary: Regret haunts Setsuna as she waited too long to tell Konoka how much she loves her.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Negima, Ken Akamastu does. The song also does not belong to me it is sang by Rascal Flatts.**

Rain poured down as if heaven was washing away everything so rebirth could happen, Setsuna housed inside a small abandoned shack holding her sword nearby. An old, torn cloak hugged her body, the only source of warmth from the unforgiving weather. Soaked completely, she did not seem to notice or care.

Glaring at the dirt-covered floor, she gripped the weapon tighter. Blood, dirt, and rain mixed on her body spilling around her. Slamming her fist against the wall leaving a hole, she gritted her teeth. Tears flowed from her eyes as freely as the rain outside.

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while**

Memories collided in her mind all at once. Two weeks ago, Konoka pulled her aside asking to have lunch with her by the world tree. Not giving it thought, Setsuna agreed and when the lunch bell sounded; Konoka grabbed her arm as she ran by, dragging the poor knight along until they reached their destination.

A blanket with a large basket with their lunch was set when they reached their destination. After sitting down, Konoka began placing food on a plate for Setsuna. Conversation was light, Konoka talked most of the time telling her about a dream she had last night and some new tarot cards she found in an old antique shop, her face was animated as she described with her hands on the various topics.

Setsuna just studied her closely with a small smile. Loving every minute from her voice to her actions, normally she would find such endless chatter to be on the verge of madness but for some reason it never surfaced with Konoka. Suddenly realizing that Konoka was watching her as if waiting for a response did she snap out of her thoughts.

"I'm sorry, miss, what did you say?" an apologetic and guilty look appeared on her face.

"My grandfather seems to have found a perfect match for me." Downcast eyes, Konoka clasped her hands together.

Not understanding why this would make her sad since the headmaster always sets up dates, Setsuna waited for Konoka to continue.

"It's a boy a few years older than me, and he comes from a good family of magicians. It would seem that even my father also agrees to the arrangement. I have already met with him and his family, and he seems like a good person." She had closed her eyes missing the reaction the news had on Setsuna. "His name is William Austen, my father, grandfather along with his father seem to have agreed this marriage will happen."

Swallowing hard, Setsuna dried her sweaty palms on her skirt. "That is why you have been spending a lot of time with your family for the past month." Konoka nodded. "Do..you like him?" she had to ask; she had to know.

"I'm not sure. He's nice and really funny and he seems like a great guy." Konoka took Setsuna's hand looking her in the eyes. "As much as he is a great guy, I'm not entirely sure he's the one." As she emphasized the last words, she gently squeezed Setsuna's hand. "What should I do, Set-chan?"

'Should I tell her what I really think? No! There is no way I can ever be with her even in my dreams the idea is far-fetched. What would she think if she knew? She may know about my wings, but there is so much more to the story that she doesn't know about. I don't want her to look at me differently; I don't want to loose what I have finally achieved.

Being her friend is more than enough, more than I could ever hope for. I shall remain her friend and nothing more. Besides, someone like her should not be with someone, whose hands that are soiled with blood and lineage is part demon. I am her shield that catches all the ugliness and filth the world throws at her so she can remain clean and pure nothing more. I won't allow her to be looked down upon because of me! So, I will remain silent and let her stay ignorant of my feelings for her' with determined eyes, Setsuna plastered a smile on her face.

"I think you should give him a try; you might surprise yourself and like him. If you believe him to be a good guy then you should chance it." The smile hurt as well as the words she passed through her lying lips. "I have heard about his family, and they are a respectable family."

Konoka looked hurt by her words as well as disappointed. She turned her eyes away to look at the basket. "Yes, my father and grandfather said the same thing."

Setsuna misinterpreting her reaction continued, "I'm not trying to side with your father and the headmaster; I honestly believe him to be a good person. I have met his father before, and he seemed someone of great respect. Besides, the headmaster rarely chooses guys your age." She tried to console her.

"You're right, Set-chan. I should try because we might truly be happy together." Konoka gave a weak smile. The school bell rang. "We had better head to class. You go on ahead, Set-chan. I will put our lunch away."

"Its okay, miss, I'll help out."

"No, I kind of want to do this alone." Her voice broke, shocking Setsuna. Wanting to say something, she sensed any sort of action from her would somehow make things worse.

"As you wish, princess." She slowly walks back, only once turning around to check on Konoka. Konoka was on her knees with her back to her and her head bent.

The next day, the rain was blinding as it poured. Setsuna heard that Konoka was going to have a final meeting with William's parents to sign papers and finalize for the wedding. Setsuna saw her off noticing Konoka looked exhausted and strained. Before she could voice her concerns, Konoka got inside the limo. Standing at the entrance gate, Setsuna watched the limo drive away.

The rain was making it hard to see it in the distance even with her training. She turned around about to head for her dorm when she heard a loud crash in the distance. Instinct told her something was wrong with Konoka. She raced toward the direction the limo headed as her heart raced. Stopping with wide eyes, Setsuna saw the limo wrecked, destroyed by a delivery truck whose nose smashed into the left side.

Picking up her feet once more, she ran towards the limo calling out to her mistress. "Princess! Princess!" she screamed as she tried to get past the building crowd and the mess of metal laying all over the intersection. Once distinguishing where the side door was, Setsuna went over to open it.

The door dented inward that it was near to impossible to open. Calling upon her own ki powers, she managed to tear the door off the hinges to find Konoka sitting nearby the door. Blood covering the seat and floor as her body impaled from both metal and glass.

Icy shock ran through her veins as she saw her princess torn and ripped up. "Kono-chan? Kono-chan? Please open your eyes!" she called out as she tried to touch her face only to keep running into glass or metal pieces. She felt someone pulling her back but she was not going to allow that to happen. With her training, she broke the arm of the one who touched her. She was not going to let anyone touch her princess without a fight.

"Setsuna!" a commanding voice broke through her defenses. She suddenly noticed the headmaster nursing a cut on his forehead. 'He must have also been with her!' she realized.

"Headmaster, Kono-chan is badly hurt. We need to take her to the hospital."

"Setsuna, let them past and look after her." He calmly stated. She turned to see the man holding his broken arm wore a paramedic's uniform. Too shocked to move, the headmaster guided her to the side as the paramedics went to check on Konoka's condition.

Setsuna just stood watching everything. A gurney was soon by the limo as two men carefully picked up Konoka's limp body and placed her on it. Quickly, they placed her inside the ambulance and covered her entire body with a sheet. A paramedic walked up to them with a serious expression. "I'm sorry, Mr. Konoe."

'Sorry? No! This cannot be happening! She can't! No, I refuse to believe it until I see it with my own eyes.' Setsuna walked over to the ambulance and saw her princess covered in a white sheet. Blood was already staining it and the outline of Konoka was evident underneath. Climbing inside, she lowered the sheet to gaze at her face.

Lightly touching her cheek, Konoka's skin was cold as ice. 'She's cold because of this rain. She needs to be warmed up.' She grabbed her hand and rubbed it in-between her own. No matter how much she rubbed, warmth would not return. Again, touching her cheek, Setsuna tried to wipe the blood from it. The paramedic already in the ambulance seemed to have taken the glass and metal shards from her face.

"I'm sorry, princess, that I could not protect you." Her voice shaken but no tears fell. With a trembling hand, she pushed back Konoka's bangs and pressed a kiss on her forehead. She left the ambulance and kept walking away never looking back.

A shattering thunderclap resounded through the air. Setsuna slowly opened her eyes; she must have dozed off. Wrapping her cloak more securely around her, she felt the familiar vibration of her cell phone notifying her of a call. It was Asuna. She ignored the call, after several rings the phone automatically went to voicemail. A beep told her a message was received; Setsuna opened her phone to listen to the message.

"Setsuna, where are you? We have been trying to find and notify you about…the funeral. I have always been worried about you. Ever since the accident, you disappeared completely. Please call me back." The messaged ended and Setsuna deleted it.

She remembered the day of the funeral. She was hiding in the shadows as the service began and ended. No one knew but Mana knew she was there. "Aren't you going to pay your respects with everyone?" she asked.

"…."

"Everyone is worried about you even the headmaster. What happened wasn't your fault, Setsuna."

'Your wrong, Mana, it was my fault. I should have gone with her to prevent the accident, but I could not face the idea of her with another. I can't even protect what's most precious to me because I can't control my emotions.' "Tell everyone that I am fine. I don't need anyone to worry about me because these sort of things happen." Her eyes and voice were emotionless. She turned around and started to leave.

A hand on her shoulder stopped her. She looked at Mana, whose eyes were full of concern. "Setsuna, don't push everyone away. At times like this, you need to be with people to share the hurt."

"I told you, I'm fine." She shrugged the hand off and disappeared in the shadows.

**Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me**

Traveling around Japan for the last two years helped a great deal clearing her mind, never staying in one place for long while never allowing anyone to get close to her. The memories of Konoka remained etched in her mind. Regrets and blame still lay in her heart. After the headmaster somehow tracked her down, he told her about Konoka's will.

She left her inheritance to Setsuna, which supplied her with enough money to live off the rest of her life and possessions. She didn't want the money or property. There was one thing that Konoka left her, which she kept, it was a notebook full of unsent letters, and notes addressed to her as well as pictures Konoka managed to take of Setsuna without her knowing and the two pictures of them in Kyoto.

During her trip, Setsuna kept reading entry after entry repeatly even though she memorized every single written word. To her shock, she found out Konoka was in love with her. All this time, all the obvious hints Konoka was throwing at her, but she was blinded to them believing she was doing the right thing by keeping her at a distance.

She believed it was all an act of love but it wasn't. It was an act of selfishness. She burnt down every bridge Konoka tried to build to form a relationship. In truth, she pushed her away out of fear. She didn't want to be betrayed. Therefore, she hurt Konoka with words and actions, which resulted in her death.

The pain of that realization was worse than anything she had ever known. Gritting her teeth to block the words she wanted to say to her and allowing her to leave without ever knowing how much she loved her. All those chances she was given, and she threw them away all for the sake of her pride. That type of hurt stays with you always.

**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**

As punishment, Setsuna was constantly hounded by memories and visions of Konoka. Seeing couples on the street or children playing, she could recall times with Konoka. No matter how far she traveled, she could not escape the memories and regret that came afterward. Years passed and Setsuna began to explore outside of Japan just to get away.

Thirty years passed and gone within a blink of an eye for Setsuna. Her appearance changed with the ever-changing seasons and her health seemed to decrease. She neglected taking care of herself leaving her almost sickly. Realizing no matter how far she distanced herself, she can never run from her hurt. She decided to head back to Japan and see some old friends if they are still there.

The school looks no different from what she can remember. Girls running from the train station to the school hoping they aren't late for class brought back memories of her and Konoka trying in vain to make it in time. A foreign smile came on her lips for only a second before disappearing. 'I suppose everyone left. Of course they would, it was stupid to believe anyone would remain after so long.' She thought.

Turning around, she began to depart when someone called her name. "Setsuna! Is that you? It is. How have you been? Where have you been? I've miss you so much." A body collided with hers. Shocked, she looked up to find Asuna smiling at her.

"Asuna." Was all she could mutter.

"Wow, I have to admit, you gave me quite a shock when I saw you. Took me awhile to get over that." She was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"I didn't know you were still here."

"Yeah, hard to believe but I'm the headmaster here." She released Setsuna and took a step back. Now that Setsuna gotten a good look at her, she was wearing a robe that resembled what the previous headmaster wore.

"Are you the only one here?"

"A few are working as teachers but most have gone off on their own. So, how have you been?"

"A bit tired but nothing too severe." She turned to look at the school building.

Asuna's smile faltered a bit after seeing Setsuna's ragged appearance but decided not to comment on it, "Everyone is worried about you. Have you gone to see her?"

"…." Taking her silence as no, Asuna cleared her throat.

"It might help if you go and see her."

"What's the point? She's gone and no matter what I say, it won't reach her."

"For someone who used to work in the profession that you did, I can't believe you said that." Asuna shot back. Setsuna clenched her jaw.

"That was a lifetime ago. Things change."

"That is only if you let them, go, and see her, Setsuna. If not for yourself at least do it for her. It's the least you can do and it's the right step to move on. Besides, you are already living in regret as it is. What could it hurt?"

Silence became thick in the air. "Good-bye, Asuna."

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder**

What Asuna had said stayed with Setsuna. She tried her hardest to forget but it only seemed to become stronger in her head. For years, she has been running away from Konoka and it seems as if she kept on running after her still. After a week of staying inside of her hotel room, she managed to work up the courage.

Looking over at the clock, she saw it was already nine in the afternoon. Grabbing her belongings, she checked out. It began to rain. It would appear most of her lifetime moments happen when it rains. Glaring up at the sky, she wondered if God was trying to tell her that this was yet another one of those lifetime moments.

She didn't even have an umbrella or rain jacket. Shrugging, she didn't care. She was tired of running. Walking through the torrent rainfall, she kept her head down not caring where she headed just so long as she could walk and think. Noticing a gate blocking her way, she looked up to find she was in front of the cemetery.

Swallowing, she reached out to open the gate but halted. 'Should I go? What should I say to her once I get there? It has been well over three decades. I should turn around and leave.' Then Asuna's words crashed into her. 'If not for yourself at least do it for her. It is the least you can do and it's the right step to move on. Besides, you are already living in regret as it is. What could it hurt?'

Pressing her lips together, she pushed opened the gate and entered. If memory served her well, Konoka's grave should be somewhere in the back. The cemetery was enormous that it could fit two football fields inside. It took Setsuna almost an hour to find her.

Flowers decorated the gravestone along with a box of chocolate at the foot. Ignoring the cold and the growing feeling of fatigue, Setsuna dropped to her knees looking at the name engraved, Konoka Konoe.

"Princess, I know it has been some time since we last seen each other. I'm sorry I have left you alone for so long. I have so much to tell you." She began, touching the stone tenderly. She began telling her everything after the accident and her travels. The people she met and sights she has seen, and she had read Konoka's notebook.

**Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**

After hours of talking about her travels, Setsuna stopped. "I have something important to tell you, Princess. Something I should have said a long time ago that might have prevented all of your pain. Please forgive my weakness and selfishness, Princess. I have done something horrible to you and hurt you the most because of my pride and fear. The one person I vowed to protect.

"Like Mana once told me in Kyoto, I was to not only protect your body but also your heart. I disregarded the most important part and left you to deal with it all by yourself. I was the one who made you feel lonely all the time. Ignoring you where it counts most. Even now, you remained loving me even after everything I put you through.

"I'm so sorry, Kono-chan!' tears spilled down her cheeks as the rain seemed to get worse, "I know that now it is too late to change all that, and I understand that you would hate me because of my selfishness. I wish I could turn back time and redo everything correctly, but I can't. Regret is my punishment that will remain with me until I die and even in death, my punishment will remain. I know we shall never meet again because I do not deserve to be with you.'

"I love you, Konoka Konoe. I still love you even after so long, and I doubt I will ever stop. You were the first person to accept me as a person and never once looked at me with disgust. You were always with me when I needed you even when I tried to push you away. Your constant smile and love is what made me get as far in life as I did, pulling me out of the dark pool of despair. You never let me give up on myself.'

"In the end, you were the strong one not I. All I did was depend on you, and you saved me countless times. You were the one always slowing your pace to match mine so we could be together. You stayed by my side and even still in death, you still do. Saying thank you seems so small compared to what you have done. I don't know how to place it in words and anything I say seems not even close to how I feel.'

"I'm sorry I ran away from you for so long but now I am back. I promise I will not leave your side whether in this life or the next. I will remain yours and only yours." She finished, her eyes swollen from the tears continuing to fall descend. She leaned toward the gravestone and kissed it. "My Lady" the rain continued pouring as the knight stationed herself in front of the gravestone not leaving it once.

She remained there until her body could no longer bare the strain of abuse. In the morning, Setsuna died lying next to the gravestone. In her hands, she held her sword and the notebook with her thumb marking a page. The wind rustled the pages opened revealing a picture of her and Konoka dressed as a princess and samurai, Setsuna holding Konoka with one arm close in a protective embrace and her sword ready in the other.

**What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**

**AN: Wow, this became much longer than I expected. Whew, this took a lot of time and effort to make this. I had at least three different endings to this but decided this was the best one. Please tell me your thoughts. Review!**


End file.
